Madness Takes Its Toll

• 03:50 Pinto
  
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Tonight's agenda: food.
Tonight's agenda modified: quinoa stuffed peppers.

What I did:

cooked quinoa with butter as per the directions (1/2 cup quinoa, 1.5 table spoons butter, 1 cup water, bring to boil, cover, reduce to low, let cook.)
added: chopped up veggies in the form of one cubanelle from the garden, some brocoli, carrots, mushrooms and baby corn
added: white crack cheese leftover in the fridge (that white cheese dipping/pouring cheese from mexican places)

stuffed into peppers, 3 frozen for testing and 3 fresh from the plant in the garden

baked: 500 degrees for about 20 minutes:

results: ZOMG YUM

Dear women of the world:

Your inability to piss INTO the toilet no longer amuses me. In fact it does the opposite it annoys and disgusts me. If you are so inept at using the bathroom that you need remedial potty training I promise a public health nurse, doctor or even your mother can help you out with that.

Learn to straddle, learn to piss into the hole not on or around it, and stop making me clean up your urine before I sit my unhappy hurried ass on the toilet.

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Today there is no winning. I don't want to feel like this.

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I had a little panic attack tonight, in the little bathroom. I'm not 100% sure what triggered it, but there's some suspicions.

Anyway, I leaned over the sink, with the water running, splashing cold water on my face and neck for a bit. For a long bit actually, and while I was leaning there, trying to compose myself, hands in my face, I looked down....

the water droplets on the side of the sink formed a bear paw. I was mostly ok after I saw that. I just stared at it for a minute, then called in the boy to see. I was surprised.

I took it as a "calm down, you don't need to be afraid" sign. That felt right.

Dear males who read this:

I want a tongue ring for reasons completely unrelated to sex, but given that it does alter oral sex... I want to know.

Ever been with a girl with a girl with one? Yes? No? Good? Bad? Ugly? How did it alter oral? I like doing that so much I really don't want it to alter anything so lemme know!

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One day this allergy might actually come closer to killing me than it has before.

I still haven't seen the video, I don't know if I can or not, but I'd kinda like to.

Thursday I reacted. Badly. Very badly. I passed out at work, spend some time vomiting, have lots of bruises from passing out and the pokes and prods the EMTs did to me. Lovely ugly bruises.

Did you know when you're reacting REALLY badly, you don't even feel the epinephrine take effect?

I'm kinda scattered on it still. I was absolutely certain I was going to die. Mike, one guy we work with, was right there holding my hand as I threw up kinda on him kinda in front of him, and I swear to god, I thought it was my father. And at some point in there, while I wasn't completely conscious, everything was dark and all I could see was this little... doorway thing. It's kinda hard to describe the feeling that came with it, but it kinda felt like I was in an almost sacred spot, and behind that doorway was death. I wouldn't be coming back if I went there. I started scrabbling for things to keep from trying to go through the doorway, I was holding onto the registers and counters and everything I could get ahold of, even Reagan, who was holding onto me tightly.

That feeling of being unable to breathe and can't stop throwing up, though, that's a pretty scary feeling. Having to fight to keep conscious through it all is worse.

I have an appointment with the allergist on the 6th. By the 1st I should be off the steroids and so on completely, so hopefully I'll actually be back to full by then. Doc's letting me go back to work tomorrow, and then I'm off on Thursday again. I feel kinda lazy right now, having not really worked since Thursday. I went on Sunday, but couldn't handle it and went home, and then the doc Monday wouldn't let me work again until Wednesday.

I'm looking forward to working tomorrow, in a way, but it terrifies me at the same time. I'm still having some anxiety. I almost had a panic attack over a fucking salad earlier today. I know that'll fade again, just like it did last time, but still.

So last Wednesday (or maybe thursday, I can't remember) I weighed myself at 214.something. Then I had a stomach virus like thingie where I basically spent three days puking up everything I ate.

Today I weighed in at 204.2

Jebus! That's a new record low for me. Wonder if I can keep it. I'm damn sure gonna try, and I'm also going to wear my goth pants to work today, since they now actually fit and don't cut in.

I hurt. I feel like I'm being taken for granted, work things that were laid out not quite as a promise but a "this is what were planning" appear to be empty lies on someones part. My feet, ankles, back and legs pretty much constantly hurt these days all of a sudden. Hat parts weird because for about two months I was fine, no real issues no pain most of the time and no problem but somewhere in the last month that changed and now I'm just straight up in agony all the time again.

I could probably handle the pain it's not like it used to be but it requires rest and I don't get nearly enough of that to compensate. I get home and there's still a million things to do and then I sleep like shit and it starts all over the next day.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a total breakdown.

Psycho day.

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So it turns out that about 90% of the stuff I use my computer for I now use my iPhone for instead. I kinda like this because except for when the boy of awesome is playing games on it pretty much the only thing I run to said computer for is to play wow, and I don't do much of that anymore either.

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I didn't realize the headphones that came with the iPhone had a mic on it so they're a full fledged headset too. That's pretty cool!

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If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Copied from ... uh.. a couple people, actually. :)

So my dying razr has been replaced by a shiny new iPhone. Which I loves!

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I guess its been dropped too many times because my phone has started randomly rebooting itself the last couple days. Altho a few days ago i was outside when the park right by work got struck by lightning so maybe its a bit short circuited

Today's garden fun consisted of planting stuff! Over the last weekish I've acquired a few things, I bought two little cheapie pots each of portulaca and celosia, a heliotrope, a curly wurly, and rescued a lantana, a pot full of pitiful petunias, and a tomato plant.

The pitiful petunias were in the trash can, and I don't know if they'll survive because of how broken up they got when they were thrown away (the pot broke) but we'll see. They filled up the bed quite well. I put two of the celosia and two of the portulaca in with it, and the curly wurly in the same bed, it's now filled up quite nicely. The heliotrope and lantana went into the unfilled veggie row beside the sweet potatoes that may not grow, and the rest of the portulaca and celosia went in with the lilies and impatiens.

I also made use of my surprisingly awesome pruning shears to thin out peace lilies some, since they were getting so dense the new growth was dying before it hit sunlight. Pruned the ficus too, including some of the roots so hopefully it wont be so root bound and will get a little fluffier up top.

I nipped an onion out of the garden today - it's immatureish, and the size of a green onion, but it was the exact right amount for salmon salad. :)

The jalapeño plant has a flower on it too!

So I switched our power plan to the energy efficient plan, which would save us a lot of money based on the calculations the power people and I did....

Holy cow!

Got the power bill today, under $100!

Go look at my garden! I have pictures! Lots of!

There will be many more pictures to come too, though, so don't think this is all of them. :D